Internal Strain

by Sam M. Phillips

Shuffle feet across floor,

Had enough, craving more,

Raw sensation

Leads to frustration.

.

Situation untenable,

I’m not able

To actually think,

I finally sink

Into the abyss.

.

How I miss

Being more independent,

I need to vent

All this excess.

.

I’m not less

Than I used to be,

Why can’t I see

The remaining quality?

.

The good part

Of my heart

Is still there

If I care

To examine it for clues.

.

Views to take

As I fake

My way through another person,

Certain to drag them under,

It is my blunder.

.

Plunder people for what I need,

I’m a psychic vampire and I feed

On the psychic energy of others,

My presence smothers

Everyone in my magnetic field.

.

Yield to this terrible

Opinion of self,

I admit I need help,

But I don’t take advice.

.

Getting better would be nice,

If I could only entice

Myself to really want it,

But how to fit

It around my desires?

.

There are fires

Burning inside,

I can’t hide

From my lust,

But I don’t trust

My motives.

.

Emotive self gives

Wrong impression,

Apprehension caused by tension,

Confusion of false conclusion.

.

Fusion of two hearts and minds,

Love and sex blinds

Us to the truth,

Do we need more proof

Than my endless rambling?

.

Scrambling to become

A bright sun,

All I’ve done

Is burn too hot,

What have I got

For all my effort?

.

No comfort,

I know I distort

Reality in my paranoia.

.

Armchair lawyer

Argues points,

This logic anoints

The winner.

.

I’m a sinner,

You are my dinner,

Her and I,

I can’t deny

One or both

Will have to cry.

.

Why must I tear

At life to be self-aware?

I stare into the abyss,

Try not to miss

Out on all the good things.

.

Brings me to tears,

All my fears

Have arrived at last,

I cast my die

And try to be

Free once more.

.

At the core

I am a good person,

Certain to suffer yet again,

I cause my own pain,

What have I to gain

From all this internal strain?

***

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